By Max Kyburz
The fourth season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia featured an episode in which Rob McElhenney unveils Project Badass, a series of ill-fated stunts such as driving dirtbikes sloppily into propped up mattresses and falling off roofs onto mattresses (they play a major role). Despite his evident misfires, he is stoked on how “bad-ass” it makes him look. Had this self-confidence been absent, the gag would have fallen flat.
Part of what made this moment so memorable is its perfectly chosen soundtrack: Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again.” For those who spent most of their young adulthood teasing their hair and daydreaming about Tawny Kitaen dry-humping their Pinto, this was a song to get behind. It was a song for men, and those who believed in it felt their testosterone levels reach 11. But in reality, it was crap. Pretty much all hair-metal was, which is why it’s still so enjoyable. Whitesnake is undoubtedly a bad band, but when that song plays I can’t help but to croon along.
The point is, few things tickle me more than watching failed attempts at “being a bad-ass.” Perhaps no other person made a career out of this than Jon Mikl Thor. Seek out his appearance on Merv Griffin in 1976 and see what I mean: this Canadian beefcake is not only flexing his muscles and vocal cords, but also makes a heroic attempt to blow up a balloon until it looks like Octomom’s 7-month pregnant belly. The best part being that Thor thought people actually admired it. People did end up liking it, but for all the wrong reasons.
As an imitation of the famous Marvel superhero of the same name, Thor is a downright embarrassment. Sword in one hand, microphone in the other, Thor has sung tales of Ragnarok and being a rock soldier for over twenty years. Though now he looks like the dude from Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, his glory days allowed the prettiest blonde bangs in the cock rock biz. He was a life-size Singin’ He-Man action figure.
Since his badassery couldn’t have possibly just be portrayed through records and TV appearances, Thor set out to conquer the film industry. In 1986 he starred in Zombie Nightmare, a would-be horror/zombie flick costarring Adam West that found its final resting place (and subsequent resurrection) in MST3K hell. Then along came Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare in 1987. Produced and penned by Thor himself, the film was a $100,000 vanity plate. Watch and see what I mean.
RnRNM is a 4 minute music video ballooned up to 83 minutes. Here’s the premise: John Triton (played by Thor, as if the pompous name didn’t give it away) cheerfully leads his band the Tritonz to the countryside of Canada, which he claims is a mecca of culture and art. Of course, none of that can be seen, since the entire film takes place in a barn/country house. (This movie’s alternate title is The Edge of Hell. If one of Thor’s goals was to create an anti-travelogue, he’s certainly succeeded). Along with their manager, the band brings along their bimbo girlfriends, who seem to exist for two reasons: be constantly horny and wear clothing that allows their hardened nipples to break through.
Oops, I forgot to mention the obligatory horror movie prologue! The house (that would later become the shrine of Canadian art and culture) used to be inhabited by a small family that was consumed by an oven-dwelling demon! Ten years later, it seems to have been awaken by the breast-beating rock of John and his merry men of metal. They’re there to record an album, and the first scene in which they record is absolute gold. The recording of the anthem “We Live To Rock” is a producer’s wet dream: the band performs live, all decked out, and require only one take. Nobody seems to take into account the fact that midway through the song, the film begins to melt, causing the vocals to sound demonic and the scene to look Lynchian. No disc issues, no nothing. It’s really in the very film itself. (The alternate title is The Edge of Hell. If Thor is trying to reveal his alter ego as Satan, he’s certainly succeeded.)
After a series of monstrous possessions, each member of the Triton party gets picked off one by one. Most of it happens because the women somehow turn into blood-thirsty succubi donning Party City masks. Or are they merely clones turning others into clones? Or is the whole thing an illusion? It’s never really explained, but the film’s focus is less on storytelling than it is on Thor’s greased up muscles and ass (yes, it’s there). The film is poorly edited, horribly acted (one actor wielding the worst British/Australian accent in history) and populated by horror monsters that would make John Carpenter weep. But that’s OK, because in the final “twist,” Thor reveals himself to be the most athletic guy at the local live-action RPG. Surprise, surprise.
Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is Jon Mikl Thor’s Project Badass. His sincerity comes through more prominently than his overabundance of eyeliner. Many times you’ll question whether or not Thor is being supremely tongue in cheek (even I still can’t quite figure it out), but ultimately it doesn’t stop it from being the worst (and thereby best) 80s metal/horror flick hybrid. Crack a few open, and enjoy.
